9 Positive Steps towards Breaking Co-Dependency

However, when we speak of co-dependent relationships, it is usually meant in an unhealthy manner in which we enable others as well as ourselves in unhealthy habits and relationships. These steps are meant to help you have healthy relationships in which you do not enable others or yourself to continue in unhealthy patterns and behaviors in relationships.

The first step is to be authentic in your relationships. This means, be yourself. You do not help others by trying to be something or somebody that you are not. If you cannot be real in the relationship you are in, then you are in a relationship that may be unhealthy for you. We cannot be all things to all people. If someone insists you do a certain thing or are a certain way or they will not be your friend, be true to yourself and be you. If they choose not to be your friend, you in the end will not have lost a healthy relationship.

Second, learn to say “No” and mean it. If there is something you do not want to do, then say no and stick to it. You do not have to do everything that someone asks you to do. Know why you do what you do.

Third, express your true feelings without stuffing them or seeing them as unimportant or another’s feelings more important than yours. You have a right to your feelings and you do have a right to appropriately express them.

Fourth, take care of yourself, because no one will do this for you. Do the things that make you happy and make you feel good about yourself and life. Nurture yourself appropriately. When your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs are met, you are better able to develop and maintain healthy relationships.

Fifth, control no one but yourself. Control your finances, your emotions, and your behaviors. Remember, everything else is off limits. You cannot control anyone else anymore than they can control you unless you let them.

Sixth, focus on your life and the challenges you personally face. Solve your own problems and let others solve their problems. You do not do others a favor by solving their problems. Look at the situation and determine who has the problem. If you do, then you are responsible for solving it. If someone else owns the problem, then let them solve it. If you both own a part of the problem, then solve the part that is yours and allow the other person to be responsible for their part.

Seventh, understand your boundaries and do not let others cross them. It is equally important to be respectful of the boundaries others have set for themselves.

Eighth, remember that you are worthy of the gifts that come into your life. Receive them gracefully without rejection and only a “Thank You.” You do not have to repay someone for something they do as a gift towards you. When you truly give something to someone, you do not expect anything in return. When we expect something in return, then we have not truly given from our heart, but rather with strings attached, which is manipulation. It is easier and more gratifying to give than to receive. However, in order to be able to truly give to others, you must first be given to and be able to joyfully receive the gifts with a thankful heart. A child who has been given much, their caregivers have poured love, discipline, training, etc., into their lives in a healthy way, will grow up to be able to give back in a bountiful way to others and society in a healthy manner. So, in order to give, you must first be able to receive. You are worth the good things that come into your life. We bless others when we allow them to bless us, just as we are blessed when we are allowed to bless others.

Ninth, but not least, do not manipulate others through guilt and do not allow yourself to be manipulated by guilt. When others make you feel guilty for not doing something that they want, you are being manipulated to fulfill or enable their unhealthy needs. You also are not acting in a healthy or responsible way when you manipulate or make others feel guilty for not doing what you want.


If you find yourself struggling with any of these issues, such as finding it hard to say “no” or to receive gifts or kindnesses from others, feel like you need to control others to be okay, or you are easily manipulated by guilt or have a tendency to manipulate others through guilt, etc., please give yourself the gift of seeking professional help, find a good counselor who can help you grow emotionally so you do not gravitate towards unhealthy co-dependent relationships but rather are gravitated towards healthy relationships with others.