A Crucial Place for Emotions--Understanding Mood Cycles

Emotions are more than just what we feel. They are a major part of us, just like our thinking, imagining, relating, etc., are a part of each one of us. They create the tapestry of our lives. We have the power and responsibility to change bad patterns, if we so choose. Managing moods leads to a managed and happy life.

Unmanaged moods (negative emotions) do more than just hurt inside. They lead us to do things we do not even want to do. They can be destructive and hurt not only us but potentially those around us—usually those that we love the most. What we do with our emotions will usually predetermine what we will do with our will and relationships.

It is important to understand how a mood cycle works. It starts with a negative and powerful mood that produces or is captivated by a strong desire. This results in the individual doing things they do not want to; feel things they do not want to feel. For example, anger may turn into violence rather than being dealt with constructively. We will notice the result of the anger, but we do not understand or notice the process or the underlying mood. Noticing the mood is critically important.

For example, I may detest doing yard work, but my spouse loves it and feels it brings us closer together. So, when I work in the yard, it is usually out of my love for my spouse and desire to help him. One particular day, I was in the backyard planting some rose bushes while he was over on the side yard trimming bushes. I was having a hard time with a particular bush and got stabbed several times by its thorns. My thumb started bleeding. I was tired and very annoyed with myself for allowing this to happen.
       
Just then he came around the corner with a big grin on his face and said, “Isn’t this fun, working out here together in the yard? Do you think you could stop a minute and come help me for a few minutes?”

Instantly I snapped, “Can’t you see how busy I am here? No.” (It is unusual for either one of us to bark at the other one in this manner and I am sure he was taken back. In a few minutes I did go over and help him and apologize.)
       
We have to look at this scenario closely and ascertain what really set me up for such an outburst. If I had not been annoyed, perhaps more rested, and had not just been stabbed by the rose thorns, my spouse would not have been the target of my anger. The emotions inside of me were the mood. The mood in this case was the negative emotion of annoyance surging around on the inside.
       
When something from the outside draws a desire from us, what comes out is usually powerful. I wanted to be left alone, perhaps commiserate in my pain for a couple of minutes. My spouse unknowingly provoked that desire and I erupted.

The order of the cycle is first the mood; secondly, a desire arises that pulls one away, and the last step is the reaction. A contented person is much slower to respond with raw emotions. Anger is a secondary emotion, i.e., it needs something to stand on. There is always something behind anger.

For a troubled married couple, the mood cycle starts with an undercurrent of strong negative emotions that often goes unnoticed. For example, the emotion might be loneliness. The marriage has become two people living under the same roof who hardly talk to each other. Neither realized the loneliness they were feeling was an important symptom of a marriage in the doldrums, suffering from neglect. Instead the couple busied themselves with work and hobbies. Romance was neglected. Their “us” conversations become more and more infrequent, while boredom with the relationship was tolerated. Or perhaps it was a lack of forgiveness that created bitterness and indifference. They no longer work on nurturing their own relationship, but tend to deal with the pain in their lives by working harder and harder. Negative emotions unaddressed are relationally dangerous.
       
When a person is inundated with moods that are out of control, the root cause is the unaddressed emotions. As a result, millions become slavery to vices, whether it be alcohol, illegal drugs, food,anger etc. Many times these things actually take their very lives. So, knowing how to manage emotions can actually be lifesaving.

A lot of research has gone into how addictions work. One of the more popular theories is that an addiction starts when inner pain is incorrectly addressed. The person in pain merely reacts to it instead of investigating why it is there and addressing the stress in a meaningful way. Addiction, in its essence, is using something enjoyable to kill pain in their life and bring some pleasure. Mood cycles work the same way. Negative emotions can take on a life of their own and severely damage people.

We once had a dog one of our children brought home that we named Browser. About the only thing he would do is sit hidden in the corner. He would come out to eat and immediately go back into the corner. If someone hollered or came too close to him or the doorbell rang, he would stand up in the corner and bark ferociously. We would have a terrible time getting him to stop. He was too nervous to come out and sit with us and play. Obviously, he had been abused. All we could do was to change his environment and treat him with lots of affection. Browser could do very little for himself. He had no control over his past experiences, sights, and reactions from the past that were controlling him.

In our hearts, each of us carries around pictures, both good and bad, that have been passed on to us . . . almost like a family picture album. All of us have been emotionally affected by the pictures that come from our family background, whether that family was healthy, confused, severely stressed, chaotic, etc. You, however, are not helpless like our dog, Browser. You can change the pictures from your past. Granted, it takes time, hard work and usually the help of another person. But, the good news is that those pictures can be healed. You will be happy and full of healthy emotions. You can experience peace and have fulfilling, deep relationships. These pictures of these past experiences can be left behind.

If you would like to learn more about mood cycles, so you can learn to develop new healthy pictures and healthier emotions, be able to manage your emotions more effectively, and have better relationships, please give me a call at 408-644-3294. I would love to hear your story.