A Simple Secret to a Better Marriage

The question then needs to be asked if that is true, then why do approximately half of the marriages in the United States fail? If something is so great, then why such a huge failure rate?

In reality, it boils down to the wife not getting her basic emotional need, nor the husband his in a marriage. Without the basic emotional needs being met, most marriages experience an undue dose of arguing, tension, sadness, frustration, and unhappiness.

Sometimes it seems so simple, yet so difficult. Usually when we do not receive what we crave most for in a marriage, neither do we give what our spouse most needs from us. So, what is it that we each need so much?

In his book, Love and Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs discusses the love she most desires and the respect he desperately needs. The number one need for wives in a marriage is to not only be loved, but to feel loved. For her to truly feel loved, the love needs to be communicated in a way that is meaningful to her. Husbands need and crave most to be respected in the ways that are meaningful to him.

The love and respect works best when it is unconditional, not predicated on what the other person is or is not doing. This is very counterintuitive. Even if you have all this love and respect, it will not always be perfect in your marriage. There will still be ups and downs along the way. However, you will be able to navigate these rough patches more effectively or even be able to stop them in their tracks—before full-blown arguments, problems, etc. are allowed to breed contempt and hurt and unresolved differences in your marriage.

Knowing how to do marriage effectively is the key. This means unconditional love and respect needs to not only reside, but be the main ingredient in your marriage.

When a husband loves in meaningful ways towards his wife, she cannot help but respect her husband, which further ignites feelings of love in the husband. Then she is better equipped to serve up a large dose of respect. Love and respect work best when they are reciprocal.

You need to sit down together and discuss face-to-face what communicates love to her. Husbands, you may be surprised by her responses. It probably will not be what you would answer, nor will it be what speaks love to you. It probably will not make a lot of sense to you. However, remember when you do those things, you are megaphoning love to your wife. She will feel valued and heard. For example, if she said one of the things that speaks I love you to her is cleaning up the kitchen and dishes after a meal, that may not seem very loving to you. May not even be the way you want to broadcast your love to her—might feel more like an everyday mundane chore to you. Every time you make the choice to do so, you will send the message I love you. Love is far more than a feeling, it is a choice.

Wives, you need to ask your husband what speaks respect to him. He may come up with things that you do not necessarily think impart respect. However, if you choose to give him respect in ways that are meaningful to him, you may want to consider doing some of the things on his list or stop doing things that he expresses make him feel disrespected. Perhaps he wants to hear words of appreciation versus how a project or event could be improved upon. He needs to know you have confidence in him.

We all have annoying habits that may be hard for our mate to navigate. They could be such things as leaving shoes or clothes strewn around, cluttering the countertop with our stuff, leaving drawers/doors open, putting the toothpaste cap on wrong—you fill in your personal blank. We often feel if they really loved me or respected me, they would stop doing these things. After all, I have told them, I have nagged, begged—you name it. It still happens from time or time or perhaps often. So, what do you do now?

This is when that unconditional love or respect really needs to kick in. Does this mean you just have to suck it in and ignore it? No. That will only breed resentment and frustration.

It is about learning to interpret the other’s actions less negatively. There are lots of reasons why the habits do not die one hundred percent. Some people are just sloppy, neat freaks, analytical, forgetful, tuned out to detail—you name it. It is about them or some patterns and behaviors that have been forged deep into their soul and being.

It is a choice of whether you are going to give your beloved the benefit of the doubt or not. Most people know or believe down deep their spouse loves them and would not intentionally do or say anything to hurt or disrespect them. We have to realize the intent is not to be unloving and/or disrespectful, although for the moment it hurts and is disappointing.

How about if you say, Wow, that (act or what they just said) does not feel very good. Are you trying to say (then tell them what you hear or feel). Then the other person can deny or confirm your interpretation. You will be able to discuss the real intent. This should resolve the issue one way or another. Perhaps later you will be laughing about the situation. It is not easy to take a deep breath and take this approach. However, it is sure powerful and worth learning to do.

If you would like to talk to me further about this topic of love and respect in a marriage, how to make it work in your marriage, work on communication and conflict resolution skills in general, please give me a call at 408-644-3294. I would love to hear your story.